


Lover I Don't Have To Love

by Adarian



Category: Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-01 05:05:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2760725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trilogy featuring super broody Nathaniel and his not quite healthy relationship with Anders. Now also with prequel "Tear You Apart" and sequel "Pushing The Needle Too Far."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lover I Don't Have To Love

Anders leaned into his touch, his heart racing as Nathaniel's hand went around his throat. The archer's strong fingers traced his cartilage, digging in every so slightly into his skin. 

"Such a sweet tune you sung earlier today, my pet," Nathaniel sneered, his lips coming to kiss his shoulder, "Did you really have to insist so strongly of my credentials?" 

"The Commander was...concerned," Anders murmured, "She was worried you were hurting me."

"And what did you tell her in response?" Nathaniel murmured, his hand tightening slightly.

Anders tried to turn his head to face him as he whispered, "That I love you."

"I wouldn't call this love," Nathaniel insisted, pushing him down to the ground. Anders caught his breath as the archer stood over him, watching with amusement as Anders turned on to his back. 

"Did you expect that this would matter to me?" Nathaniel laughed.

"It mattered to her."

"Stand up, mage, and undress. You will assume the position."

Anders took off his robes quickly, folding them hastily at the bottom of the bed. Anders then went to the corner of the room, kneeling with his back against the wall. He held up his arms as Nathaniel tied him to the hooks, ones left from his father's reign. 

Anders tried not to think about what Rendon had done in this bedroom, tried to reassure himself that this was different. This was not the act of a sadistic bastard punishing little serving girls or nobles who displeased him.

Anders had sought him out. Perhaps that reflected more poorly on him than it did Nathaniel. 

Nathaniel cupped his face and Anders opened his mouth expectantly. Nathaniel smiled as his fingers stroked his lips, the other hand going to his own stays.

Anders moaned as Nathaniel released his hardening cock and pushed it past Anders' lips. Anders struggled with his binds as Nathaniel thrust himself in, grunting slightly as Anders sucked around him.

"See?" Nathaniel smirked, "Your mouth is made for much better things."

Anders looked up at him, watched the pleasure across his face. Despite the cock hitting the back of his throat, he felt his own arousal, obvious in this vulnerable state. Noticing this, Nathaniel pushed against him harder, taking his head in his hands as he thrust deeper. 

Anders dug into his binds, his fingers grasping at the rope. He closed his eyes, the throbbing in his cock growing harder even as his throat grew sore. He opened them against as the sensation ceased and he felt his arms fall back down.

He looked up obediently at Nathaniel, silently pleading to finally be shown affection. 

"Put your hands on the wall, your back facing me," Nathaniel commanded, "Now."

Anders did so, panting as he heard Nathaniel move behind him. The sensation was sudden as he felt an oiled cock push inside of him. Anders moaned and Nathaniel grabbed the back of his head, pulling him towards him. 

"You will not speak of this again to another, mage," Nathaniel grunted, "What I do to you is my business. You belong to me. This castle belongs to me. And one day, the Wardens belong to me as well. That woman will not interfere with us again, do you understand?"

Anders nodded and Nathaniel let go his head, his hand coming to rest around his throat again.

"So sing more sweetly now," Nathaniel commanded, "You have such a pretty mouth. Say things that please me."

Anders felt his heart in his throat as he murmured, "I love you." 

Nathaniel thrust harder, his other hand resting on Anders' hip, "You don't love me. You would leave me if I were not the best lover you ever had. Maybe you should have stayed in the Tower. You seem to get off on having the shit beat out of you, you missed out on a great opportunity."

Anders' heart skipped a beat, "Will you hurt me tonight?"

Nathaniel laughed, "No. I will play the Commander's game, for now. When I am in charge, no one will think twice about questioning the state of you. Would you like that, my pet? I could leave you up here for days, keep you tied up until I was ready to play with you again."

Anders felt his legs quivered, the sensation building in him as Nathaniel hit deep inside of him, Nathaniel's fingers digging into his hip until they drew blood. He wanted so badly to bring his hand back down, to take his cock into his hand and find release. He pushed himself against the wall, trying to find some friction. 

Nathaniel stopped his movements, his cock still beating hard and hot inside of him. 

"Call for me," Nathaniel insisted, his hand leaving Anders' throat to keep his cock from the wall. Bringing his lips to his neck, he whispered, "Beg me."

Anders moaned, a tear running down his cheek as Nathaniel bit into his neck. Anders pushed his cock against his hand and groaned, "Nate...oh Maker, Nate. Please, please touch me."

"How unoriginal," Nathaniel smirked, pulling out of him entirely. Anders whimpered in protest, but let himself be turned over, his back pushed against the wall. Nathaniel entered him again and Anders threw his legs around him as he thrust into him. 

Anders groaned and without thinking, cupped his hands around Nathaniel's face and kissed him. 

Nathaniel groaned in response, pummeling into him as Anders reached down, taking his own cock in his hand and stroking fiercely. 

Anders leaned back as his release came closer, bucking into his hand, and riding as Nathaniel pounded. Nathaniel leaned in; sweat dripping off his lips as he whispered into his ear, "I still don't love you."

Anders came, spurting and groaning against Nathaniel's chest. Nathaniel slowed his thrusts, pushing into him deeply as he watched Anders' face.

Anders bit his lip as Nathaniel withdrew, letting him slip to the ground. Nathaniel knelt down beside him, taking his own cock in hand as he rubbed himself to completion with a quiet grunt.

Anders looked at him softly, and he said, "I'm sorry."

"That's enough for tonight, mage," Nathaniel replied, "Go clean yourself up. I expect you to be presentable for the nobles tomorrow."

Anders bowed his head and whispered, "Do you love me?"

"What did I just say or were you just so happy to be screwed you weren't listening? Get out of my sight."

Nathaniel rose, tossing on his trousers and throwing Anders' robes to the floor. Anders picked them up gingerly, watching the other man sit down in front of the fireplace, the ire not having left his eyes. 

Anders left, his fingers trembling as he closed the door behind him.


	2. Tear You Apart

It troubled Anders how much he wanted him. He had seen him in the jail cell, threatening his Commander's life. He had seen the bodies he had left behind in his need for revenge.

But from the moment Anders saw Nathaniel Howe, he was inexplicitly drawn to him. 

He felt his gaze on him as they walked with the others. The man had yet to say a word to him, but Anders felt the invitation, the heat in the man's look. Nathaniel wanted him. Anders had spent enough time in the Tower to know that look. This was a man who knew exactly what he wanted, but would not take what was not freely given.

That comforted much Anders much more than it should have. The man was angry, violent, and yet...yet Anders could easily imagine his hands on his body, his lips against his. 

It was not a conscious choice when he found himself outside of Nathaniel's door, his hand hesitating before knocking.

Nathaniel opened the door, eyebrow raised slightly.

Anders felt embarrassed suddenly and said, "Sorry, I meant to knock on-"

"You should be more honest about what you want," Nathaniel commented dryly, "It is not healthy for a man to hide his desires. Come in."

Anders followed him, standing awkwardly by the door as Nathaniel poured them both a drink. He handed the goblet to Anders who drank quickly. Nathaniel sat down by the fire, beckoning him to sit on the floor beside him. Anders did so, waiting hesitantly for Nathaniel to speak.

"You speak often of your affairs in the Tower," Nathaniel said, "I know you enjoy sex and care not where you find it. I admit, I desire you, but there are things we must discuss first. I am not my father, but I am not a kind man. There are things that I enjoy that many do not. But if you ask me to stop, I will stop. When you are with me, I expect you to submit to me. You will have no other lovers while you are with me. Do you understand?"

"What sorts of things?" Anders asked, his heart racing.

"I believe that pain increases pleasure," Nathaniel said, taking Anders' chin in his hands, "I believe that a man can find true gratification when he is in his proper role. I enjoy hurting my partners. I enjoy taking them to their limits. Because I can, because I...enjoy having control over another, but only one that consents to what I do. I am not a cruel man."

Anders flushed, turning away from him.

"What say you, mage? Does my offer interest you?" 

Anders was ashamed to say it did. He felt Nathaniel's fingers lower, coming around the sides of his neck. To his shame, he felt aroused by this, knowing how he needed only to squeeze to take the life from him. He wanted his hands around his throat.

Nathaniel's eyes met his and Anders whispered, "Yes."

"Are you sure?" Nathaniel said, his voice softening as he leaned in. 

Anders caught his breath as their lips brushed against each other. 

He murmured again, "Maker, yes."

Anders expected Nathaniel to kiss him, but instead, he grabbed his throat, pulling them both to their feet. Anders' first instinct was to struggle, but he breathed, watching Nathaniel's face. He trusted him. 

"Get on the bed," Nathaniel instructed, "Leave your clothes on the floor."

Anders did as he asked, lying down on the bed while Nathaniel moved, taking off his shirt and shoes. He undid his belt but kept his pants on.

"On your stomach," Nathaniel said.

Anders did so, his heart pounding in his throat. He flinched as he felt the belt brush against him.

Nathaniel leaned into his ear and whispered, "Say the word, mage, and I will stop."

Anders said nothing as Nathaniel left his side. He yelped in surprise at the first blow across his ass, adjusting as the second followed. 

"Do you still want me?" Nathaniel asked, the third breaking his skin. 

Anders cried out, "Yes."

Nathaniel hit him again and again until Anders started to cry. Nathaniel flipped him onto his back, his raw skin brushing against the sheets. To his surprise, Nathaniel kissed him, taking off his pants as he pressed his body against his. Anders cupped his face, pulling him into the embrace. 

Nathaniel pulled away, reaching for the top drawer of his bedside table. He pulled out a vial of oil, coating his cock with it, groaning as he touched himself. Anders stared at him hungrily, his breath shaky with want. 

"On your knees," Nathaniel growled.

Anders did so, his hands gripping into the sheets as Nathaniel pushed roughly into him. He relaxed his body, his skin aching at the touch. Nathaniel thrust into him and he groaned.

"Did you enjoy that, pet?" Nathaniel chuckled.

Anders realized how hard he had become, how swollen his cock was. He wanted so much for Nathaniel to touch him, but he knew was almost incapable of speech. He just wanted more. He needed more.

When Nathaniel's fingers stroked his neck, he only could meekly whisper, "Yes."

Nathaniel thrust harder, his fingers wrapping around his neck. Anders moaned, gripping into the sheets harder as he tried to breath. 

"I've wanted you for so long," Nathaniel groaned, "The minute I saw that pretty skin of yours. I thought of everything I could do to it. I thought of what you would look like under me, what it would look like when I made you came. I ached for you. I wanted to tear you apart."

Anders cried out, Nathaniel's hand closing harder while the other reached down between Anders' legs. He held his cock still, his body still slamming into his.

"You're a sick little shit, you know," Nathaniel chuckled, "Look at you. You're getting off on this. I bet that wasn't enough for you. I bet you want it to hurt more. What do you need, mage?"

Anders whispered, "Keep talking to me. Keep touching me."

"You liked being called a little shit, didn't you? What a filthy little whore you are. Here I was just waiting for you. I should have just taken you in the courtyard. I should have shown them all. This whore of a man is mine. I would have had you before them all and you would have begged me not to stop. You would have pleaded with me until I finally came inside of you."

Anders shuddered under his touch, Nathaniel's hand letting go of his throat, stroking the side of his face with odd tenderness.

"I'm yours," Anders confessed, "Please...please..."

Nathaniel pushed deeper inside of him and Anders felt his knees go weak, falling further to the bed. Nathaniel's body sheltered his, his raw skin beating against his. Finally, his hand moved.

Anders cried out, his body shaking as it moved with his, Nathaniel's arm across his chest as he held him upright to him. 

"Come for me, Anders," Nathaniel ordered, pumping hard as he thrust, "Come for me, now."

Anders fell apart at his touch, his orgasm hard and sudden, and he found himself crying as he spurted out into the bed. Nathaniel withdrew from him and Anders mewed, too weak to protest as Nathaniel finished himself off by hand with a satisfied groan.

Nathaniel laughed darkly, "Are you expecting a cuddle now? Get out of here."

"When can I see you again?" Anders pleaded, tears still streaming down his face. 

Nathaniel returned to his side, cupping his chin in his hand again. Anders leaned in, hoping for another kiss, but instead Nathaniel merely whispered, "Tomorrow night. Go get some sleep, my pet. You'll need your rest."


	3. Pushing The Needle Too Far

"Sorry, what did you just say?" Anders asked, his heart pounding.

"You heard me, mage," Nathaniel said quietly, "Will you not do what I ask?"

Anders thought about this for a moment and replied, "This is what you want? Really...you really want-"

"Please."

Anders felt unnerved by the man's sincerity. Alone in the bedroom together, the fire burning, Nathaniel took off his clothes, slowly, as if Anders was seeing him for the first time. Nathaniel hesitated before walking towards him, but Anders took control, rushing forward to kiss him, his hands already feeling up his body. Anders pushed him against the wall, kissing him hungrily, tugging on Nathaniel's hair greedy handfuls. He paused, pulling away to see his expression.

Nathaniel kissed him almost tenderly in return.

It terrified Anders. He had no idea when he would cross the line that would snap Nathaniel back into his usual persona. Not that he minded being punished afterwards, but the idea of betraying this so so intimate trust made him feel enormous pressure.

Anders stripped out of his robes, tossing them to the side. He kissed him again before leading him to the bed. Nathaniel practically trembled in his arms as they laid together, kissing and petting the other. 

Nathaniel growled weakly, "Just get it over with."

Anders coated himself quickly with the bottle of oil on the bedside. Nathaniel lay back, his eyes closed.

Anders said quietly, "We don't have to-"

Nathaniel reached up, grabbing his throat, muttering, "Do what I want."

His fingers grew softer, reaching into Anders' hair, almost cupping his cheek. Anders kissed his hand softly before kneeling above him. He lifted Nathaniel's legs over his hips and entered him. Nathaniel threw his head back, a soft moan crossing his lips as Anders pushed inside him again.

"Harder," Nathaniel ordered.

"I don't want to hurt-"

"I want it to hurt," Nathaniel commanded, "Harder."

Anders thrust as deeply as he could, pushing his legs apart. He looked down at Nathaniel, the man groaning as his fingers dug into the sheets. Anders reached to touch his obviously aching cock but Nathaniel slapped him aside, grunting.

"I don't want to see you," Nathaniel said.

Anders flipped him over on his back, entering him again, gripping desperately into his hips. He moaned as their skin slapped together. He hesitated as he saw Nathaniel's back, the scars crisscrossed against his body. Anders wanted to say something, but Nathaniel's groan distracted him. The man was rubbing his cock against the bed desperately, bucking as Anders moved inside of him. He did not resist this time as Anders reached around to touch him. 

Nathaniel sighed, a contented sigh that made Anders' heart race. He pumped his hand around him, timing his strokes as best he could. Nathaniel put his hand over his and Anders feared he would make him stop, but Nathaniel withdrew again. 

"I'm close," Nathaniel whispered.

Anders' other arm reached around to hold him to him, feeling the man clench around him, feeling his cock swelling before his seed spurted across the bed. Nathaniel moaned, almost a sob. Anders withdrew.

"Nate, are you-"

Nathaniel silenced him with a kiss. Anders froze before kissing him back, holding his face softly. Nathaniel pushed him on his back and positioned himself over Anders' still hard cock. He lowered himself, wrapping his legs around him before moving again. Anders groaned, throwing his arms around him. They moved together, their foreheads pressed against each other as Anders came deep inside of him, crying out before kissing him again. 

Nathaniel withdrew and said quietly, "Clean yourself up, mage. But...but come back. I want to talk to you."

Anders kissed his forehead, hesitating before dressing and returning to his room. He cleaned the best he could in his washbasin and dressed in his evening clothes. He returned back to Nathaniel's room, seeing the man sit in his chair by the fire. 

Anders hesitated before coming to kneel beside him. Nathaniel's hand absentmindedly ruffled his hair.

"I want to apologize," Nathaniel said quietly, "The other day I was...crueler than I needed to be when you...you said that you loved me."

Anders looked up at him hopefully and Nathaniel turned away.

Nathaniel continued, "Before I tell you what I want to say...I feel like I need to set something out first. Anders...I am not a good man. What we do here...that is healthy when two people both want it. But I am selfish, I can be cruel. I am my father's son. Even if it means I do not murder every person who opposes me...I have no one else I have ever learned from. I know that power protects a man, strength protects a man. If he is not respected, if he is not feared, he loses his ability to survive this world. I...I still believe that. Anders, I am not going to change. I will always need control. You need to know that before I continue. Do you understand?"

Anders nodded silently. 

Nathaniel said quietly, "When I was a teenager, I fell in love. Or, what I thought was love. He was a stableboy, Brett...funny, I can't even remember what he looked like now...it doesn't matter. My father found me in the barn with him....Brett was pounding into me like a dog, his hands around my throat. He was disgusted that I would let a man do that to me. I don't know what disgusted him more: that it was man, that I was relinquishing control to a peasant...I don't know. Anders...my father beat me within an inch of my life. When I survived...I guess I had learned. Desire is one thing...but there must be control, there must still be power and restraint. I enjoyed being in control as much as being under someone else's control, so I indulged in one desire and not the other. I tried to be fair to my partners, only took those into my bed who wanted to be there. I am not my father. Nobility...honor...they are important. A man must be worthy of the respect he earns."

Nathaniel said softly, "I know the line between right and wrong. I have crossed it many times in my life. I saw my father...I saw the terrible things he did. I still remember..."

Nathaniel's hand reached behind him, tracing the scars on his back through his shirt. 

"I'm so sorry," Anders whispered.

Nathaniel turned to him and to Anders' surprise, the man pulled him into his lap. Anders rested against his shoulder, the fire crackling before them. 

"I was punishing you because I was angry with you, not for pleasure," Nathaniel admitted, "I have never done that before. You trusted me and I betrayed that trust."

"But I enjoyed it," Anders admitted, "You know that...Nate, I've never come so hard in my life as when you're inside me. I love what you do to me. I love feeling like my life is in your hands. I like feeling like in those moments, you are responsible for me. I don't have to think, I just have to feel, and its like you know what I want before I even think it. Is that what tonight was about? Was this an apology?"

"Yes," Nathaniel said, "But...I wanted to be vulnerable with you, to see if I could. It was...Maker, it was uncomfortable. But it was the first time in years I let someone else touch me like that. It wasn't pleasurable in a sexual sense, but it felt..."

Nathaniel rested his forehead against his, "No one has ever told me they love me. I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved."

Anders' heart flipped, "And how did it feel?"

"Scary as hell," Nathaniel chuckled.

"We don't have to have sex like that again," Anders said.

"Thank the Maker," Nathaniel laughed, "But now I know...now I know I can. I needed to make sure...I just..."

"I think you're a better man than you think," Anders said softly. 

"Anders," Nathaniel said, his voice shaking slightly, "Anders...I love you. I want what we have. I never want to hurt you again."

Anders nipped his ear and murmured, "But I like you hurting me. You're not going to become all soft on me, are you?"

Nathaniel's face softened into a grin and he grasped the back of Anders' head.

"I wouldn't dream of it," he chuckled.


End file.
